picking up the pieces of a fragmented life

I've been laid-off since April. I guess I got my wish - I've spent a lot of time reading, knitting, playing with my grandbabies, traveling. Job hunting. Exploring the possibilities and ramifications of self-employment.

I turn 50 in November, so I'm especially grateful for a wide range of things. First off, the fact that I'm turning 50. Also being able to spend the summer reflecting, meditating, reading, learning.

I've got an old Mennonite cookbook that ends each chapter with "Gathering the Fragments"; a brief description of what to do with the leftovers of some of the recipes in the section preceding. I feel like I've spent the summer 'gathering the fragments' of my life as I visit homes, haunts, schools and workplaces from my past. A lot of the pieces to my puzzle are dropping into place, I can see patterns taking form and it's comforting to know that there really is a reason for everything, it just might take a while and some quiet time to see it.

Today I drove past the house I lived in when I birthed my first child. I thought of the woman I was then - I could almost see myself in the garden - naive, scared, scarred (in more ways than one), my baby girl on my hip, and I cried out loud for that new mom - she had no idea what she was in for. What she was going to go through. What she most desperately wanted would never come to pass, but she didn't know it then. And she didn't know that one day, it wouldn't matter so much either.

Many years, many tears later I'd realize that nobody gets what they deserve, so if I'm getting something I think I want, I'm grateful for it, especially if I didn't have to work very hard to get it. I enjoy it while I have it (a love, a great job, a moment's peace, a comforting home, a cherished friendship) because it's all so very very temporary.

But I got something I never dreamed could be mine: a type of confidence or bravery that comes from the deep knowing that surviving is all anyone can really hope for, everything else is details. People are going to hurt me (and help me) and betray me (and trust me) and abandon me (and stay by me) exactly the way I do to them because we're all human.

The longer I live, the more I realize that I don't really know anything for sure, and neither does anyone else. We're all just monkeys with car keys. So I try to spread forgiveness around, and serve myself up a plate of it from time to time.

wow, lots has happened since Day 10

I'm grateful for being so busy with life since Day 10 I haven't had time to blog!

Head lice crisis has been contained. Phew. What a relief. Christmas/New Year celebrations planned, executed and completed. Had a blast too, great holidays this year. Only missed/grieved Lori two times this holiday season but was consciously happy for having her for a friend many many times of late. I must be working through the last stages of grief. Given the breadth and depth of our friendship, I can hardly believe it's only taken this long. There is no one like her.

Back to ordinary life.

I'm blessed with friends that are a little bit older than me and are having to plan for their parents' care. Makes me wonder about my own parents, and how I'm going to handle it when time comes to care for them. Makes me wonder what's going to happen to me. Yikes, there's a lot of truth to the comment "Be nice to your kids, they are going to pick out your 'home'."

I've decided that I don't want to work anymore. I want to knit, read, sew, spend time with my grandchildren. Not necessarily in that order, and maybe more than one at a time. I have not adjusted well to wage slavery. :P Pouty day today, I guess. Maybe it's having to shovel all the *&%#@* snow. Ya, I think that's what I hate most.

C'mon spring!

Day 10

A day I'd like to forget. Head lice has broken out at my granddaughter's school, and yes, we've been doing the "Head Lice Dance"; washing hair, treating hair, laundry, vacuuming, nitpicking, laundry, searching internet for less toxic treatments, laundry, bagging up everything that can't be washed - a million and a half stuffed toys, vacuuming, dryer quits, buy new dryer, more laundry - arghghghg.

What to be grateful for here? Only one of us were buggy. While I spent the Christmas budget on a dryer (sorry kids) at least I had the coin to do it. Lugging all the laundry to the laundromat would not be fun at all.

Sigh. Looking forward to a new day. One without bugs.

Day 9

Just an ordinary day I suppose.

I helped stem the flow of a cascading avalanche of vomit - my daughter and grandkids were sick yesterday. Haven't seen a little kid barf like that since my oldest son was a baby - wowzers - and then he looks up and smiles a big toothy grin, like "There! now I feel better!"

Managed to squeeze in an 8 hour work day and attend a community meeting. Busy! "Keeps me off the streets", as they say.

Day 8

What a great day. Puttered around the house getting some stuff done on my 'to do' list. Then visited the grands for a couple of hours. "Julibaby" is four and loves to sing. She's learned so many songs at school, it's just delightful to watch her sing. The wee lad, who's been nicknamed "Little Foot", is on the cusp of walking. I could spend all day with them!

Day 6 and 7

Day 6: My lottery group at work won $10. ON OUR FIRST TRY, lookin' good!

Day 7: I reconnected with a coworker/friend, I had 3 hours of most stimulating conversation with my 20 year old son, wiser than his years sometimes, I sooo enjoy our conversations. Dinner and a movie with a friend who surprised me with a birthday present. Not to mention, she made a lovely dinner!! I am blessed.

Day 5

I was privileged to attend a meeting today that may result in some uber-exciting anti-poverty work in my community.

It's all come about because of synchronicity of events and certain people meeting by chance, so very very exciting!

Stay tuned for developments!